the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
