I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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