We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
