She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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