He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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