Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
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My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
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What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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