He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
