Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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