I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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