if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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