I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
