Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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