I cannot find my penis.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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