i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Send help, water and tortillas.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
