I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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