I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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