He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Houston, we have a blender
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
