Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My life is pants optional.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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