So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
