Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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