so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
