We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
