I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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