There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize
