Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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