I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
