I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just forgot I was standing up.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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