Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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