so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
