you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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