i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
