gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
