You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
