I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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