not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
