I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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