she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
