is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
