God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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