dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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