How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
