At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
