My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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