i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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