Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
