my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
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That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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