Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
