I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
