I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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