god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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