you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
