girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
