Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
soo... how was my night?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
