In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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