mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
