i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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