pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
