please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't deserve a penis
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
