I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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