What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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